Note: For the month of December I will be sharing the various “masks” that fear wears to disguise its presence in your Present. Some of these are more obvious than others and some are downright devious. Our third disguise that fear chooses to wear is control.
Quick: Name five things you can control about relationships! Do you have them?..
No? You’re not alone; it was a trick question. There’s only one thing you can actually control: Your response. That’s it.
You get to choose how to respond to what “happens” in your life. That’s a fact. And, yet, it’s so tempting to believe that you can control more…especially the responses of others. Here’s a second fact: You can’t.
Not even if you hold a literal or figurative gun to someone’s head, that specific individual still gets to choose how to respond to your choices.
One of the top complaints I hear from coaching clients is regarding his or her significant other not doing what they want. It can be both empowering and sobering to realize the Truth I opened this blog with: You can only control your own responses, period.
Further unpacking that awareness, let’s explore why control issues show-up so much in relationships and what they really are masking. Any guesses? Gold star if you said fear.
Now that we’ve revealed the true motivator here as being the all too familiar “other 4-Letter F-word” it’s time to look at the decision to choose it in the first place. What appeals to us about feeling in control, especially when it comes to “pulling the strings” in a relationship? The ego once again plays a big part.
There’s an unspoken belief that if I can control someone else, then I will be less afraid. The irony is that fear itself is the reason you choose this mindset. You’re actually not “afraid” of fear at all.
What’s really driving you is not trusting what will “happen” unless its exactly the outcome you want. You doubt your ability to navigate any sort of outcome other than the one you’ve prejudged as being acceptable and desirable. The double irony is that all those that fear being impacted by outcomes beyond their influence are also the most drawn to attempt to control others.
Like I said, you’re quite comfortable being in a fearful state of mind and quite restless being in a trusting one. Reading the prior statement either sounds like a pardon or a sentence. Depending on “how” you interpret it you will either feel less shame by kindly looking at the choice for fear or more guilty because you believe the ego’s lie that you can’t handle life unless you get to direct others’ choices.
Which lens appeals to you more, really? You get to choose when and how you respond. That means you can look at your relationships with Kindness or with judgment, but not with both at the same time.
Judgment and control live under the same shoddy dwelling built by fear. Kindness and freedom coexist in the space created by choosing fear’s opposite: Love.
The ego’s fearful illusion known as control tells you to keep others on a short leash to get the outcome you want. The Reality of Your Inner Voice encourages you to Trust an Expanded Vision: Let go to know True Love. What’s your choice?
Wishing You Love From Letting Go,
P.S. Did this post inspire you? Ask Yourself: “What’s possible once I let go of needing to control others?”
P.P.S. Are you ready to stop trying to control your outcomes via your limiting beliefs and fears that aren’t serving you AND, replace them by exploring what’s possible once you become more Present, so you can start Loving Yourself instead? I want to help you say “Hell Yes” to this question and so much more. Enough with doubting your ability to navigate your life unless it goes perfectly to plan. You are most powerful when you let go and meet Yourself at your Greatness, rather than your limitations. Now is the right time to invite the mindset you Really want to show-up so you can create your Happy life right away.